Liz, Mandy, Neave and Darren
Our family is me, my partner Liz and our daughter Neave. Liz and I have been together for 11 years, and Liz gave birth to Neave in February 2005.
Both of our children’s biological father is Darren, we refer to him as their ‘donor’ father. He is a special person in Neave’s life. He lives overseas, has visited a few times since she was born, and he keeps up with her development via email.
Neave has lots of contact with her extended family. She has grandparents on both sides, several Aunties, two Uncles and six cousins. Her grandparents and aunties regularly babysit and enjoy having another child in the family.
I have always wanted children. I’ve had a very happy family upbringing, and my parents have been great role models. I wanted to have a child to be a part of my family, and to bring her up to be a happy, well-loved and secure person. It has been so exciting to see Neave develop her own personality.
I was very keen to have a known donor/father for our children, as I believe it is important for a child to have this connection and to know her biological origins.
The biggest challenge we faced was being prevented from being able to use fertility services. As lesbians, we were unable to use these services, unless one of us was ‘medically infertile’. Victoria is one of the few states that prevents lesbians from using fertility clinics. We were forced to try to conceive using self-insemination, which has greater health risks. Eventually, after two years of trying but failing to conceive, we were allowed to use IVF in Victoria.
Finding a donor was also a challenge. We wanted someone who did not want a primary parenting role or responsibility, but was keen to be a special person in a child’s life. Through lots of discussion, we came to a clear agreement we are all happy with. The lack of legal recognition for non-biological parents caused us a lot of worry and stress. We hope that the law can change to recognise our agreement.
People are sometimes confused about how our family works, but we have experienced little direct discrimination. It seems that most of the community accept our choice, and many people have been surprisingly supportive. Even older relatives and friends of our parents have been very positive. But it is often stressful telling people who don’t know us, as we never know what kind of reaction they will have.
Some people say that lesbians shouldn’t have children because their children will experience discrimination or bullying. But if community attitudes change and more people are open and accepting, our children will not suffer discrimination.
We hope to bring our children up to feel secure, well-loved and proud of their family, and resilient enough to cope with any discrimination.
We both have an equal role as parents and support each other in the care of Neave. As lesbians, we have learned to be ourselves, and to stand up for ourselves. We hope that Neave will be able to feel confident in herself too.
Being in a lesbian family and being able to be confident about our decision to have children is special, as it helps to change community attitudes and increase acceptance of difference. Family is about love, care, responsibility and support – and these things are all a part of our family.
