Rodney, Jeff and Ethan
Jeff and I have been together for seven years. We always wanted a family and never saw the fact that we were gay as a bar to that. We knew it would difficult, but both wanted to be dads.
We considered fostering, adoption and co-parenting, then my mum taped a documentary about surrogacy. It was a turning point. The process is complex and, at times, difficult. Doing it in the US greatly increased the cost, but we had little option. We re-mortgaged our house to the hilt and began. We were matched to a wonderful woman named Kelly in Ohio, and went to meet her and her husband, an amazing woman who, having had her own family, was willing to help us have ours - a wonderful gift.
We completed paperwork, engaged attorneys, and made arrangements with the clinic, then went back for the IVF procedure. We had never been so nervous! We wanted so much to be parents. Ten days later we were woken at 3am by our LA doctor - we were pregnant!
Ethan is now a happy, healthy three-month-old. Our families are thrilled with their new nephew, cousin and grandson. Jeff’s parents, in their 70s, flew from Taiwan to visit. We have had tremendous support, not only from family and friends but from strangers expressing their pleasure and support for our family. We can be sitting in a café and people will say, “This little boy is lucky to have two daddies”. We have encountered nothing but complete acceptance.
We elected that Jeff would take 12 months parenting leave and I would work full-time. Jeff spends his day like most other stay-at-home parents with newborns -– feeding, changing nappies, washing, going to the local parent group. I finish work and rush home. Like other parents, I don’t want to miss one moment of my son’s growth and learning.
Only one of us is listed on Ethan’s birth certificate. There are many situations where we might encounter problems. Like any parents, we worry about Ethan getting sick. Will Ethan’s non-biological father be prevented in a critical situation from making decisions for his son?
We don’t want Ethan’s care compromised because one of us is refused recognition. We are considering pursuing parenting orders via the Courts, but this is costly and invasive and something we cannot afford at the moment.
As gay dads we want exactly what any parent wants. We want Ethan to grow up in a house of unconditional love, to learn and explore the world, to find a meaningful purpose in his life. We want Ethan to grow up knowing that he has two dads who love him, and that his family is not different. That there are many different family structures and regardless of what they are, when they are filled with love they are a family.
The only negative experiences we have had have been institutional. Not one person we have meet or known has been anything other than positive. However, we have already spent much time and money establishing, arguing and proving that we are Ethan’s parents, in order to access services. In the end, the person this hurts is the child. As adults we have (unfortunately) become used to the injustice of the system. It is still wrong. But it is shameful to treat children of same-sex couples this way too.
We will bring Ethan up to believe and practice acceptance and understand of all people and all differences. We will bring Ethan up to understand that “equality” means exactly that. We just hope that by the time Ethan is ready to start understanding and practicing this, he himself will be truly “equal” in Victoria and Australia.
