Sarah, Jacqui, Corin and Scout
Sarah and I have been together 16 years and have a son Corin, 4, a daughter Scout, almost 2, and now Sarah is pregnant with our third child.
Having children has been an endless joy – neither of us can imagine life without them. They have two sets of grandparents, seven aunts and uncles (plus Sarah’s sister’s sister-in-law, who is also Auntie Sue!), nine first cousins, and a lot of great aunts and uncles and second cousins.
We both come from close-knit families and always wanted our own family. So when the time was right, I started trying to get pregnant. Originally, we planned that we would both bear children, but it didn’t work out that way – Sarah got the stretch marks and I got three kids!
We faced a lot of challenges. We’ve been to four clinics in two countries and two states. Beyond the stresses of infertility, we had to deal with interstate treatment, less than sympathetic doctors and counsellors (especially early on) and much additional expense and stress. On the positive side, we came across some wonderful counsellors, clinicians and doctors who have helped us to create our family.
The challenges in creating our family were huge, but since Corin’s birth, we’ve been endlessly surprised and pleased by people’s responses. We have been to Court to get parenting orders, dealt with doctors and other health professionals, MCH nurses and day care centres. The general attitude is that our children have two loving parents, who cares if they’re two women?
Our day-to-day experience in the community has been one of acceptance, NOT just tolerance. I really think Corin has no sense that people see his family as “other” – he is very clear that he has no father (and tells people when asked!) and thinks this is much less interesting than that he has a little sister, and another on the way!
It’s a cliché, perhaps, that our families can’t happen by accident – certainly most of our straight friends are parents by choice and effort – but we are very aware of the choices we make, both to have children in the first place and also how we parent. Even the choice to dress our daughter in pink (or not) takes on significance, because we know that other people – especially people who don’t know us – are watching to see what we do. And because some of those people are hoping we’ll fail, maybe we’re even more careful to ensure that doesn’t happen.
We often think about the the need to give our children the skills necessary to live in a society that regularly issues public condemnations of our family. We think it will make them stronger, and more open to other people’s differences.
I would like people who have never knowingly met a gay or lesbian person – let alone one with kids – to stop intoning dolefully about what terrible parents we are and how selfish we are to ruin our children’s lives. We’re not – no more than other group of parents – and our children are just fine, thank you – better than fine, they’re thriving.
When I’ve been up since 4 am, haven’t had more than two uninterrupted hours of sleep in months, done 37 loads of laundry this week, removed weetbix from the ceiling and texta from the carpet, convinced Corin he can’t go to daycare in his PJs and Sarah asks me to clean the kitchen even though I didn’t make any of the mess, I do it with a smile on my face and know that I love my life and these people – my family – so much my heart aches to think about it.
